The Conveyor Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Or he'll start using it for something it was never intended to do. Of course, then it breaks, and it gets added to that pile of junk he's got out in the backyard, which only serves to highlight the stupidity of the initial purchase. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ moose grunts ] [ water splashes ] I'll tell you, if you like conveyor belts, you're gonna love today's show. Plus, we got dougie franklin here giving us all kinds of advice on nothing of value. I'm gonna show you the wrong way to make an entrance, and I get to give bill the run-around. And now here's the man that time tried to forget but eventually just ignored, my uncle, red green! Ahh! Ah-ahh! Ahh-ahh! Red: Thank you. That's very nice. Thank you. I feel that I know you all now. So I'd like to share a family embarrassment -- my nephew, harold. [ keyboard clacking, engine sputtering ] wa-a. Big week up at the lodge this week. Buster hadfield's brother, who has had an ongoing struggle to find gainful employment, headed out west 'cause he heard there was a big oil boom going on out there. He just went now? I mean, the oil boom has been over for 10 years. He just went now? No, no, he went 12 years ago. He just got there now. He walked. He walked to alberta? Uncle red, that's like 3,000 miles or 4,000 miles or -- how far is it? Too far to walk. See? Exactly. Wa-a-a. Did he get a job? No, no, way better, harold. He went down to that tarzan project. Things were slow, you know? And they were selling everything off -- industrial equipment and clothing -- dirt cheap. He didn't buy anything, did he? I mean, if he doesn't have a job, he shouldn't be thinking about buying things. Oh, yeah, well, he couldn't resist. He got himself a hard hat and a 12-mile conveyor belt. Now he's gonna bring that back with him, and he and buster are gonna go into business of some kind. He's asked a bunch of us to come up with some ideas for it. Well, I bet you'll have lots of ideas. Yeah, yeah, something good, harold. Well, there's a long shot. [ chain saw revving ] sorry. We're closed. [ pulley squeaks ] ♪ he had cuts all over his chin and his neck ♪ ♪ and all the way down to his waist ♪ ♪ the doctor went through nine spools of thread ♪ ♪ just to put a smile back on his face ♪ ♪ he fought back the pain, propped himself up, ♪ ♪ ate some old cheese on a cracker ♪ ♪ and promised the doctor never again ♪ ♪ would he try shaving with a weed whacker ♪ wa-a-a-a. Today on "meet your member," I got my good friend dougie franklin here who's gonna tell us a little bit about himself. Thank you, red. Well, I'm building a monster truck from the frame up, out of an old k-car, actually. And, now, there's a bit of irony there, you know, when you consider the number of those babies I've crushed over the years. I thought "k" stood for "crush," actually. Well, you know, I kind of meant maybe something a little more personal about yourself, you know? Okay, okay. Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, I got the brakes. I got the assembly, brake assembly ready to go. I got the four-wheel drive unit just prepared to drop in there and... You want more personal stuff, like my cab, maybe the interior? Let's go a different way on this, uh -- all right. Maybe, doug -- uh, maybe you could tell us a little bit about, uh -- about your family, your family life, that type of thing. Well, I don't think there's a person alive that could have had a better home life than I did, red. I mean, you know, my daddy used to drive me to school every day in his '57 chevy long box pickup truck with the turbocharged 427... ...Ported and relieved. He could lay a patch of rubber the entire length of that teachers' parking lot. All right, uh, well, what about your mother, huh? Tell us about your mother. That would be good. Not really much to say there, not much to tell you. I mean, she was a lovely woman. Yeah, yeah. But, uh... She didn't drive. [ quacking ] well, if buster hadfield and his brother are making that big conveyor belt, I thought I'd take the "handyman corner" and show you how to make a small conveyor belt, one that you can use right inside your house, whether it be to bring snacks from the kitchen all the way over to your recliner rocker so you don't have to get up off your duff and miss your favorite commercials or maybe to use to bring laundry up from the basement or even to haul yourself up to bed on those odd occasions when you're overserved in the brewed-beverages department. All right, now, the first thing that you're gonna need to make a conveyor belt is a piece of a conveyor belt. And where you get that is you cut a piece off a conveyor belt. Now, if you don't happen to have a conveyor belt, I'll tell you what -- they use a lot of these at the construction sites, and, uh, here's another clue -- they don't usually work on a Sunday 'cause there's no traffic to block. Now, you're gonna need something to put the conveyor belt on. It's got to slide over something. So, you get one of these old wooden ladders with the round rungs so the belt can slide over easily, just like you slide her down easily when you come down by surprise. It'll work perfectly. Now, we'll need something to actually drive the belt. I would suggest you use one of the old ringers. Remember the old wringer washer? On a Saturday morning, mom would be down in the basement there, running your dad's shirt and your dad's personality through the wringer all at the same time. Now, of course, you got to have an electric motor in there. To drive that wool ring, you could use the normal electric motor off the machine itself if you're a wuss. But if you're a real man... ...How about one of those babies, huh? This here is the electric motor off the swing bridge in town, or at least it used to be until, uh -- well, until they weren't looking. Sometimes when you're a handyman, you have to make executive decisions. Anyway, with the swing bridge not working, that just means there's no sailboats on possum lake, so it's good for the community. All right, talk is cheap. Let's build. All right, I got the conveyor belts all laid out around the ladder here, and I got her up and through my wringer, and then I got the wringer hooked up with the drive belt down to my biggie, super-duper, hunkasaurus electric motor. Now, I wasn't quite sure how fast this motor would go 'cause I know she develops 20 horsepower at 1750 rpm. And then the belt, of course, is 18 feet long, so you figure and then multiply... Turns out to be pretty darn fast. So, I thought I would hook her up to a 250-watt light dimmer here. Sure, it cost 5 bucks, but I don't scrimp on safety... Unless it's like 10 bucks. Now, another problem I had is that the motor runs on 550 volts, whereas at the lodge here we only have 110 volts on the good days, which is only 1/5. But I solved that one easy enough. I just added five plugs onto the -- two, three, four -- there we are, the fifth plug here -- and five plugs onto the motor, and that way she all works out. [ electricity crackling ] now, let's say I wanted to take this box of candies and jelly doughnuts and assorted things that I like to snack on -- whoa -- and I wanted to move this into another room. All's I have to do is stick her on my conveyor and, uh, grab my dimmer and just, uh, turn it on, give her a shot. [ engine humming, metal rattling ] I guess she needs a little more juice. Maybe those jelly doughnuts are heavier than I thought they were. Why don't we open her wide open? Oh, no, wait a sec. There's the problem. The belt's caught in the wringer here. Whoa! Well, that -- that worked great. Did I say "conveyor belt"? I meant "catapult." remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ crash ] I hope the neighbors enjoy those treats. Stay tuned. Bill's gonna stretch himself to the limit, and glen and I are gonna show you why fat guys shouldn't do stuff. You know, a lot of people my age don't like rap music. They say rap music isn't music, not even poetry. Just a bunch of people taking revenge on the english language by turning it into a set of drums. And the rappers have kind of strange names, you know, like ice bucket or zap zipper. But I like rap music 'cause you don't need any talent, you see? This is something I could do. I could make those, uh, finger motions at the camera while I'm chanting dirty limericks to some metronome. And I can hire the under-dressed groupies slithering away in the background there, feeling their bodies like they're checking for moles. I could even change my name, call myself ice green or master red def jam or xcuse-e-me. I could be huge -- not good, but huge. [ chain clicking ] well, we got buster's big conveyor belt all put together. And you should have seen how dirty some of the guys got. Uncle red, you have no idea what you're doing. You should not be putting that thing together. Well, harold, if your parents had any idea what they were doing, they wouldn't have put you together either. Anyway, buster and his brother have now established a 12-mile strip of moving rubber right down the middle of possum county. What an eyesore. And around here, that's saying something. Harold, one man's eyesore is another man's monorail. Monorail? The hadfield rubber rocket. They're gonna use it to replace the school bus. Everybody just throws their kids on the belt, and off they go. Their problem is there's no reverse on the motor, so the kids will have to walk home. Unless you make it part of the physical-fitness training, you know, 'cause I bet it would be good exercise for the kids to try and walk home against a treadmill going the other way 'cause that's how they train astronauts and stuff, you know, so they're okay in malls and that. Well, I suppose if they got the motor going slow enough so the kids could make headway without burning the bottoms out of their pf flyers. 'cause, you know, if they slip off, they're going right back to school. Tell me about it. I was in grade 4 three years in a row. [ chain saw revving ] and here we are at braxton's marina with glen braxton. How are you today, glen? I'm fine, red. Great. That was just a false alarm, just a little touch of angina. So, officially, I've still only had two heart attacks. Well, today's boating tip -- today we're going to preserve the finish on the boat. So, what you need is a high-quality polymer/resin/wax and a damp, clean cloth... More damp than clean. So, we got to, um, hop up here, red. [ grunts ] [ grunts ] okay. Uh, now, what we got to do is we got to get a little of the rosin on the clean here. And -- well, there you go, red. Maybe you'd like to do it so you can learn by doing. No, it's okay. I don't learn by doing. You go ahead, now. Okay, sure, I guess I can do it. Maybe you could run out and grab my nitro pills for me in the boathouse. All right. So, what you need to do is some nice big circular motions. And when it dries, then you take it off with a clean rag -- uh, cleaner rag. How did you learn about this stuff, glen? Not by doing, obviously. Oh, no. By watching, red. I only wish I could learn by doing, but my health prevents that. I find my lot in life is just giving advice, you know? Like you guys with your conveyor school-bus rig there. You know, I think you guys might want to try that out on yourselves before you get any of my kids on there. Oh, yeah, we don't want all seven of your daughters on there at the one time, anyway. I'll tell you that. Was that some sort of fat shot, red? They're heavy, or... Oh, no, no. No, no, no, I -- what I meant was, we don't want you all stressed-out, you know, having all your kids at risk. Okay, I think that's pretty well got her. That was great. That's a great demonstration. Thank you very much, glen. Oh, red, uh, uh, y-you need to finish it up, red. I promised a guy I'd have it done by 2:00. You don't mind, do you? Yeah, I do mind. I got things to do. Sorry, glen. Well, ok-- well, sure, I guess I-I can do it myself. Uh, I just hope it's not the last thing I ever do. Oh, all right. Can I get you a doughnut or something, red? It's mail call. [ bell rings ] wa-a-a-a! This week we got a really neat letter in. Look at this one, uncle red. It's all art on there and some designs and stuff. It's neat. Oh, boy, boy. You know, harold, I wanted to be a struggling artist at one time, but I just couldn't put up with the bahamian lifestyle. That's bohemian lifestyle, uncle red. It's bohemian. Whatever, you know, I-I wanted to do that, but, uh, boy, you see the way they live in the -- the filth, you know, and the bugs and the rats and nothing to wear, penniless, hungry all the time -- no, thank you. Well, that's how you live now. No, harold, I'm not hungry all the time, you know. I was real serious about being an artist. I got a beret and a whole -- but, again, as I say, I couldn't put up with the bulgarian lifestyle. Bohemian. Yeah, well, whatever. I settled down and got myself married, harold. Well, I was gonna be an artist, too. Yeah, I took one of those life drawing classes, you know, where you draw life. Ha ha. You know? You just -- there's like life figures, and you draw them. Nudes, harold? Exactly -- wa-a-a! They had a nude model come in. Oh -- naked. I got so nervous I sharpened my crayon right down to a nub, and I swallowed my eraser. The model had to come running over and gave me a heimlich maneuver -- saved my life. And did this nude model give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Well, he wanted to. [ explosion ] red: It's time for "adventures with bill." bill had something kind of modern on his mind today -- gonna get himself into shape. There's a lot of people who are doing this these days, and we're gonna show you it doesn't take $1,000 and an arm and a leg and -- well, it might take an arm and a leg, but it won't take the -- he wanted me to put the gas cans a certain way there. That was one was full, and this one was -- had very little in it at all, which seemed odd to me. But, you know, I don't question him. Bill's the expert. And he puts the bar through there, a little piece of angle iron. Then he gets them good and chalked-down. That's not chalk, bill. Bill, that's not -- bill -- [ wheezes ] that's not chalk. This is what I thought would happen. That was lucky. Good thinking, bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Bill, that's on -- bill, it's on -- bill, there's a flame. Bill -- bill -- [ explosion ] [ bill screams ] ah, he'll be back in a minute, I guess. Part of him, and there he is. That'll be quite a bit later now. Yeah, he's fine. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Bill's getting all kinds of exercise today. Now he takes a -- this is our mineral spreader here. He's got the little -- looks like surgical tubing, the kind of stuff they use to replace things inside your body that look like that, and he's -- ohh, ohh. Ohh. You know, sometimes in life you can look around, and you can see an accident about to happen. You just know there's gonna be trouble. You don't know exactly when, but you certainly know what it's gonna be, don't you? [ bill groaning ] red: Yeah, that's the one I pictured. There you go, bill. Everything gets exercised with bill. Look where he's wearing the hard hat now. He's no dummy. Oh, no, I shouldn't say that. And he's getting everything exercised all at once. Then he's got this kind of a boxing thing, which I thought was kind of neat, like the muhammad ali/ george frazier type of thing. He's gonna lean against it and throw the punches. That's a great -- but the doorknob maybe is not as attached quite as well. Some of the things at the lodge are really not up to spec, I don't think, compared to what -- uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's my van, bill. [ groans ] nobody messes with my van. You said you wanted exercise, right? Well, I have good news. I can help you with that. [ tires screech ] watch yourself on the building there. Stay tuned. Harold's got a couple more stupid things to say. And dalton humphries gets excited, so you know there's money involved. [ spits ] well, we had a little trouble with buster hadfield's moving-conveyor-belt thing. Oh, really? Ha ha ha! Everything was fine. You know, the bunch of us were sitting on there, ready to go, and moose thompson throws the power switch, and then he decides he wants to get on it, too. I'm guessing... Bad decision? [ laughs ] well, it wouldn't have been too bad if he just climbed on, but, oh, no, not moose. He's got to do one of these flying-somersault cannonball things. A half gainer. No, total loser. The whole conveyor belt crashes to the ground and changes from a moving conveyor into kind of like a tank tread. But without the tank. Ha ha ha ha. Well, we had moose, you know? So, now you got a 12-mile black elastic band covered with humanity, powered by a diesel engine, heading south. South -- now, south -- that -- I can't picture that. What is that towards? Well, this door... And the barn around it. That's farmer nash's sheep barn. A-are the sheep okay? Oh, the sheep are fine. They headed north. But you might want to air out your room. They were pretty scared. [ zip! Swirl! ] we're out here by the main highway, at humphries everything store, to learn a little bit more about collectibles and antiques from the store owner, dalton humphries. You can actually make money with this stuff, can you, dalton? Well, you know, red, if you -- if you know the marketplace and what's hot, you can -- you can do quite well on antiques. [ laughs ] all right. Well, for instance, take this toaster. Now, stinky peterson sold this to me for a nickel. A nickel, yeah, yeah. To him, it was just a dirty, old, rusted-out, old toaster. But, you know, to a collector of old toasters, someone who -- who knows the history of the manufacturer, has scoured the marketplace for antique toasters -- yeah, yeah. Well, you guess what that would be worth to them. Well, by gosh, it must be worth 50 bucks at least, I would think. No, a quarter. Stinky peterson sold this to me for 5 cents. That's 400% markup. [ chuckles ] do you have any really, really valuable items here, dalton, like, say, something over a buck? Oh, well, I got a huge conveyor system from buster hadfield -- you know, the metal part. Oh, sure. Yeah. Ah, the rubber-conveyor-belt market has gone soft, you know? Some collector in nova scotia decided he was gonna flood the market, but I had two collectors locked in a bidding war for, you know, the middle part. Yeah. A european bidder has offered me $8. And there's a woman in california who said she might go as high as $10. Yeah. Well, now, if I were you, I would just sell that to the scrap-metal dealer. What's he gonna give me for it -- a buck? Oh, no, dalton, you got a lot of steel in that, you know? You got the nickel axles in there. Must be 5 or 6 miles of copper wire. You're probably looking at $9,000 or $10,000. Dollars? Yeah, yeah, I would say. $9,000 or $10,000, yeah. [ drill whirring ] okay, here we go. "attention, fellow possums." mm-hmm! "I, moose thompson, have figured out how to get my vcr to stop flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00." oh, great. Okay. "unplug it when you're not using it." thanks, moose. [ tires screech ] 10 -- [ clears throat ] $10,000? Maybe a little more. Probably $10,000, though. Canadian? Canadian dollars, sure, yeah. 10,000 canadian dollars? 10,000 -- yeah. [ tires screech, glass shattering ] "for sale -- waffle iron, popcorn maker, "deep fryer, french-fry machine. "will trade for rowing machine. Seller is very motivated. Just had third heart attack." [ tires screech ] that's a one... Yeah. ...And then a zero and then a zero and a zero and a zero and a dot and two more zeros. Well, if that's 10,000 -- ten thou-- yeah, that's it, yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying to you. That's better than a buck, isn't it? Excuse me. [ laughs excitedly ] [ engine turns over, revs ] that was not a highlight. [ metal clanking ] [ gasps ] why does it smell like oil in here, batman? Wa-a-a! Well, you know. Don't pretend you're not jealous of my conveyor-belt raincoat, harold. Oh, does it show? They haven't invented the storm that can get through this baby. I'll tell you that. You know, buster will make you one, harold, if you give him your size. Oh, okay. 10w-30? [ laughs ] you look like piece of licorice candy or something. Well, laugh if you want, harold. But since we've cut up the conveyor belt, there's all kinds of things that we can make -- floor mats, kitchen mats, car mats, welcome mats, bath mats, r.V. Mats... Mats. Uncle red. Uncle red, I think maybe you should just stick with the raincoat idea. I bet you're as dry as can be in that. Well, I was for the first few minutes. I guess she's a lot cooler when it's raining, huh? It must be the wool lining from the sheep we hit. [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be down in an hour or so. And, harold, hit that power switch when I tell you to. Okay! Yep. Yep. So, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I am bringing enough black rubber to last a lifetime. All right, harold, hit the switch. No, harold. Hit the other switch. [ clicking, engine humming ] and to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, till next time, keep your stick on the ice. [ metal rattling ] [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all right, settle down. Harold: Okay, all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. I'd like to propose a toast. Wow. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's homepage on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.